why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Find your own path. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. Thank you so much for your reply, Tanya. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. 3 steps to follow when you want to fix other people's problems When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. Any suggestions? You're very welcome, Maria! Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change. You're ahead of the game, too, in wanting to learn strategies on your own at the same time. And, in the words of the Rolling Stones, you cant always get what you want. It is not our job to make our kids happy. We, my children and I, never, EVER do enough for her. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. Two elements threaten harmonious relations with parents and adult siblings, in-laws and adult children: lack of time and an abundance of emotional memories. here. Lynn Beisner writes about family, social justice issues, and the craziness of daily life. We can say, I accept you and I honor you, but I cant be a part of this.. How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? Answer (1 of 6): No. Why are holidays always an issue and elder parents exert their control? I'm stuck, probably for many, many years into the future. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. Is it? I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. In closing, I offer this rephrasing: To each his own pain.. The other you simply cannot. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from my heart to help you search more deeply into your own life, make positive changes, and become all that you truly are. The relationship becomes toxic and we become sick from breathing in the fumes everyday. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? health Mom, not so much. She nodded, "It was nearly my death." "We nearly lost you, we nearly lost you," Raven chimed. When youre experiencing beautiful shifts and miracles, you often want to help others. You feel its your fault when other people feel bad. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. I hope the book is helpful. I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated. Im not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? Mingyur Rinpoche, "How to Train Your Monkey Mind." Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from our past. As a consequence I tend to focus on them and what they need. My family will witness the joy and Divine Heavens, which no man, were they to glimpse just a taste of what it promises, would turn their back on this pure happiness in My Father's Kingdom. There is a lot of suffering in life. Healthy relationships depend on mutuality, and our life quality is much influenced by others. Now I feel those shackles back on me. This can be really hard at times, especially if youre a nurturing person or just deeply love the person whos struggling. Not taking responsibility for someone's happiness is much different that not caring about others' feelings, thoughts, etc. Mine will say she is going to jump out the window, and I'll remind her that wouldn't do the job b/c she lives on the ground floor of the building. Mostly because the peace is not really there in the first place. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. Do you often try to help your friends, family members, or even coworkers or acquaintances fix their problems? For example, speak out like this: I didnt like it when you said that. Thanks for reaching out. Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. Once you cease to create your own suffering, you are more likely to live a good life, one in harmony with your deepest values and. Almost there! I'm going to. Its the same for everyone else too. When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. Are your worries completely justified? My life is more than busy and full. Hi! Only your mom can make herself happy. See what you gain and what you lose from trusting in such a core belief. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. While you cant fix someone else or be responsible for their happiness, heres what you can do. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. No, you are not misunderstanding this! Im just this way. My father was like this too, so Ive got the genes for smoking.. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. :), My anxiety triggered from a bully in authority I don't remember a lot of what he said but I remember saying over and over again to stop mind-messing me and you don't know who I am hours of this went on I have never been the same so much of the past which was locked tightly away the flood gates were open and I don't know how to close the gates I try for help but I'm so mixed up no one seems to know how to help me I am giving up and letting myself fall through the cracks of the system I'm too tired the battle within my brain wins this time. Talking to your wife will, in my opinion, benefit both of you as you work through this. And for the most powerful antidote to social comparison, try this: gratitude. What beliefs feed that worry? I know these are my feelings and I should of not let the guilt get to me. I don't want to lose this relationship but I'm starting to wish I lived on my own again, where I could just be myself and enjoy my trashy tv and goofy music. In this process, while youre allowing them to experience what they need to experience, and trusting that theyre being guided, just give yourself this opportunity to be in prayer for them. You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel is your responsibility and that you feel guilty about. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. I want to run away. My husband has taken this thought process to the extreme, or at least it feels that way. How did it feel? You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. If needed, you can always come back to this topic later. Everyone has choices and your mom has choices. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. P = Practice. Keep an open mind. Try to think about the situation objectively - divide the circle into a 'responsibility' pie chart, apportioning responsibility for the situation between you, other people and external . How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. We come to fear the imagined consequences of this, and we increase our fear and worry with an. trustworthy health. She hates everybody and has no friends, even though she acts so lovey dovey to everyone's face. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it's a team effort. My family is my strength in hard times. I want to encourage you to really own that you are not here to deprive anyone of their bottom. Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing. Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. If she does not want to socialize, spend time and effort with others, well of course she will be lonely. I invited him to pause, imagine he drank the truth serum, and take a chance and share what the real number is. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health and https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer. 13 Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety. At that instant, they both experienced a novel moment of a differentiated relationshiphe shared his honest pain, in the shape of avoidance, and she was able to "let it land," because he didnt try to censor himself to protect her. That is unavoidable and natural. I really don't believe that's the intention of the thought, but maybe I'm wrong? I asked him how much he really wants to hear her from 1 (not really interested) to 10 (dying to hear her laments). Sometimes its easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. My mental health novels, including one about severe anxiety, are here. I only recommend products and brands I passionately believe in, but wanted you to know that when I make a recommendation, I may receive a referral fee. Family, friends, people from the village, everyone is here. Is it possible to break this cycle later in life? When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). From a selfish perspective, it's awfully difficult to remain happy when those around us are not. trustworthy health information: verify It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. These bad habits may seem like they relieve stressand they may indeed relieve stress in the short runbut they are false friends. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I am now having anxiety attacks worrying about them an trying to figure out how to help them. Challenge your thoughts. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. When you embrace interdependence, youll be able to live from a place of peace and acceptance. So don't rob your partner of a chance to grow! She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. There should be. Some unhappiness and misery is inevitable. Children who. I know this one well. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. Consequently, both partners stop sharing their truth. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. By consistently practicing to accept someone where they are and see them with compassion, you realign with your true love nature. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. I blog here. When you try to change someone youre effectively saying that you know what is best for them. However, it can easily morph into something unhealthy, where rather than wanting to contribute to others happiness and wellbeing, we find ourselves being people-pleasers in order to make them happy. 4. Likewise, every decision you make is influenced by your family or societal conditioning. I was abused by my mother. There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. Responsibility pie chart. Caring for others is a character strength. Nor do you have any control over his job frustrations. They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. Happy children are ones who feel safe to express themselves in healthy ways, whatever they might be thinking or feeling. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. I just need a few things to get you going. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. You just might eliminate this cause of anxiety and create inner peace. Reviewed by Davia Sills. The two add up to the fear that we'll be overwhelmed by each other's needs, giving up ourselves if we give anything to these adult relatives. My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. This question has been closed for answers. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. You do . I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. And so the cycle goes. How to tell between BPD behaviors and dementia behaviors? I'm just sitting here!!" Everything you need to stay Remind yourself and them that you are doing this in order to deepen the relationship. Let's connect. Hi Aimee, Personal responsibility is the spark that allows "help" to help. So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. But codependents make the leap of feeling responsible for others' pain and happiness. All these typical situations are within your circle of control, at least partially if not completely. You dont have to react in a certain way to every expression of emotion from them. Theres nothing as potentially life-changing as talking regularly with a good therapist who can help you solve problems, discover new perspectives, and grow. As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. PostedAugust 22, 2019 As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. Through acceptance you release the resistance youve placed within your relationship, clearing the way for healing and for you to access more loving thoughts and feelings. Her (and my dad's) misery is always running in the back of my mind. 2. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. Start tuning into your actions. I just can't do it anymore. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. It's never the responsibility of someone else. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. How to Stop the Misery: Decide to change and make a plan. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. Am I just completely misunderstanding? It's Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron. Nobody can do it for you. Your best interests are not top of her priority list! Your self-talk is not the truthit's "just thoughts.". You can create an exercise program. Sometimes when we accept someone for who they are, all we can do is accept them and move on from our relationship with them. She knows nobody in this town after all of these years. What can I do? Fast forward to 2011. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. In such symbiotic relationships, if one is hurting, the other must sympathize with that pain as proof for their love; if one is happy, the other should also be happy. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. You can release the need to be responsible for another persons happiness. In our sessions, we discovered that both of them shared the core belief that your pain = my fault. Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. You deserve your own happy life! How to Honor Your Feelings. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. A friend was telling me about how she was visiting a very close friend of hers. And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another persons happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. Science and Behavior Books. featured You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. However the converse is important. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. Examples: I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake. I guess Ill never do anything right. Im such a moron!. How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Others' Happiness, HealthyPlace. I wasn't real happy about that but my parents were cool and independent. Thank you all! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. Johnson It can be hard to find moments of happiness in these uncertain times, but it can be even harder to hold onto those moments. Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. Recall any times you took responsibility for what yourereallynot responsible for and consider how it impacted you. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. We need more complexity and more depth. The minute a . Retrieved Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you cant control. The other person will receive your shift in energy and feel released by you. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. I am their POA. This does of course not help him nor me. Certain hormones are known to help promote positive feelings, including happiness and pleasure. In reply to I was abused by my mother. I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Read On! For example, you can learn to listen instead of interrupting. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. T = Take charge and make the decision to change. Research shows that when you make the conscious decision to change, you are more likely to be successful. :). You are not a sole agent working exclusively under your own power. I am an only child. It might even feel selfish NOT to intervene and take care of things. This question has been closed for answers. So, I had to move them out here to Colorado to an independent senior apartment complex about 6 miles from my home. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. Many of life's difficulties are out of your control. Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. Codependency For Dummies. Happiness comes from within, people in miserable circumstances can be happy. Read On! Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life. By studying actual data on happiness, I found out that these are the biggest factors responsible for my happiness: Love Exercising Relaxing Career Friends Family Sleep Hobbies Traveling Health This article will show you exactly why and how I've determined these factors as the biggest influence on my happiness. Tweet: Theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems. When theyre ready for that change to come into their life, then youll be there. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their emotional happiness. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. I was finally able to BREATHE. Dont forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heartfilled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. But theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems and make them happy. How do I rise above my mother's insults and guilt trips, break out of this rut and get my life back?? How to Stop the Misery: Notice your own belief system about change. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? She hasshared information about creating a quality life on podcasts, summits, print andonline interviews and articles, and at speaking events. Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. Making small changes, step by step, fuels confidence in ourselves, which in turn begins to affect our emotions and thoughts. But we forget interdependence or weve never heard of it to begin with. You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. Happiness is an individual responsibility. Relating to the pain you've caused someone or breaking your moral code are two of the core reasons you may experience guilt. It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. After illuminating their core belief, he said that hes now ready to really hear his partners pain. This is something I see come up all the time with people who are on a path of spiritual and personal growth Ive done it too. How much effort and energy will I have to invest in cheering them up or asking for forgiveness? Over time, such mental effort can lead you to start avoiding your partner, since you already have enough on your plate. I think this might be stemming from the fact that when I was growing up my father always took the role of being the mediator. I have zero control over his responses or mental health. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. Social pressure can warp your mind and your actions. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. It's natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. One you can do.